Thursday, April 24, 2014

Disneyland Bitchfest

Easter Cake Pops with my friend Chrysty!
Okay, so I was at Disneyland this past weekend (WOO!) and while there, had some of the same thoughts I do about my experiences with others. The difference is, this time, I was smart enough to make notes of these thoughts on my phone so that I could revisit them later.

I give to you...musings, observations, and downright dirty, angry bitchfest rants about Disneyland.

1. I would kill myself if I had to be part of a bachelorette party at Disneyland. Here's the deal, folks. I wouldn't care if I had to go with a bunch of broads for the day, just relaxed and chill. The issue I have is with these fucking hideous custom shirts that the entire bridal party is forced to wear. I passed a big ol' bridal party by Pirates of the Caribbean with tank tops that read "Bride's Entourage." Ew fucking ew. First of all, I would never wear anything that made me part of an "entourage." I am no one's entourage. Fuck that. Secondly, they all looked miserable, following behind the bride that had the prerequisite satin sash and stupid headband with veil. Disneyland is hard enough to navigate with 3 people...everyone wants to do different things, it can get dicey trying to balance priorities and fit everything in. So imagine the shitshow that would occur with like, 7 women and a bride that thinks she's a damn princess, all running around the park in matching shirts, hating life. Ugh. No thanks. If you're going to get married, please, please, please don't ever do this to your bridal party.

Really love how this photo turned out.
2. If your family members can stand upright on their own, and they all would like to ride a ride, they should all wait in line. PERIOD. The amount of line-cutting at Disneyland is ridiculous. I can't count how many times I've been in line, and 3-4 or sometimes more people will rudely push past me in the queue, mumbling something about their family being ahead in the line. Funny, you look totally able to stand in line. Completely capable of unobstructed mobility. Good for you. NOW WAIT IN LINE AT THE BEGINNING WITH YOUR DAMN FAMILY. If you want to ride, you have to wait. Period, end of story, done. (Now, if you have very, very small children and want to get a parent swap pass or whatever, that's a different story. But if you're 6 or over and want to ride something, wait in the damn line the whole time like everyone else).

3. I love giving dirty looks to kids doing things they shouldn't be doing. I mean, if their parents aren't paying attention enough to discipline them properly, you had better believe I'm gonna break out a sinister side-eye like these little brats have never seen. I made one kid shrink into himself and turn away after one of my famous glares. If your kid is climbing on the railing and bumping into people in the queue...if they are throwing a tantrum and they are WAY too old to being doing so...if they are walking inside a FENCED AREA that is landscaped and not meant to be their own personal picnic area...I will side-eye the shit outta them. And I'm not sorry. Keep your kids in check, and be respectful of the parks.

Highlight: Free Dole Whip! Finally!
4. High-end restaurants are not the place for your screaming baby, or overly coddled & spoiled 8-year-old. I went to one of my favorite restaurants on Easter Sunday. Steakhouse 55, inside the Disneyland Hotel. Love it there. Great, relaxed, upscale ambiance. I went in with the intent of having a delicious meal in a chill space. Instead, I was seated by 2 families that literally gave me a headache. I actually ate, asked for the bill, and had to high-tail it out of there, my head was hurting so badly. Not the experience you're hoping for when you pay that much money. Family #1 was a mom and dad with 3 kids, probably ages 15, 12 and 8. The 15-year-old and the 12-year-old were fine. The dad was so checked out it wasn't even funny. The 8-year-old was a holy fucking terror. She would not sit in her chair. I didn't see her in her seat ONCE. She was hanging on the chairs of her parents, constantly yammering and being a brat. The best part? She wouldn't eat her food unless HER MOTHER FED IT TO HER. She would say, "Do the choo-choo one. Do the airplane one." And her mom would FEED HER BITES. What in the holy hell is going on here? Are you kidding me?! I was so shocked and disgusted. I know I'm going to sound old when I say this, but in my day (see, there it is, I just became 80), my mom would have threatened to take me to the bathroom to spank me for not sitting in my chair alone, and she would never, ever tolerate spoon-feeding me. Kids these days need to be spanked, man. Threats don't mean anything anymore. When I was in line for the Bengal BBQ, a mom told her little kid over 5 times (I counted) in a 15-minute period "Okay, we're going home," every time he didn't do something she wanted him to. "You don't want to eat that? Okay, we're going home. Here, put this on. No? Okay, we're going home." Yeah, so, THAT'S NOT WORKING, bitch. Even her exasperated husband was like, "You can't say that to him all the time." She didn't listen, and neither did the kid. Okay, so back to Steakhouse 55. Family #2 was a pompous douchebag dad and his much younger wife, their 5-year-old who was so well-behaved that I didn't even know she was there, and a baby. A baby about  6 months old who did not stop whining and screeching and screaming the entire meal. The whole fucking time. And they didn't care at all. People were giving them dirty looks and they didn't care. It was so jarring and upsetting to have to listen to that my entire meal. And because they were buying a bunch of wine (presumably to numb themselves to their asshole baby), their server—who was also my server—was doting on them and ignoring me entirely (I guess a party of one that only orders a steak because she can't fit anything else in her tiny stomach is not priority). Bottom line: luxury restaurants are not for your poorly behaved children, or your infant set. Take that shit to Pizza Port. Please get a sitter if you want to dine at a high-end restaurant. Or better yet, just practice better parenting. They're not your friends. They're your kids. Be a parent.


  1. I must say, I love how you express yourself, so real, so raw, and so darn funny! As a reader I feel I'm along for the ride, and as a fellow Disney lover I couldn't agree more! Thank you for your post, I can't wait to read the rest of your thoughts.

    1. Wow, thanks! I think you're the first stranger to ever leave me a legit comment (and a nice one too! The lady who spammed me selling human hair weaves doesn't count). Thanks so much for your encouragement and compliments! :)

  2. Loved this, and I totally agree with you!! I'm especially horrified at the 8 year old being fed by her mother, crazy!!

  3. AMEN! I have a daughter who is six on Saturday. Every single time we go to Disneyland, we are always told by CM how well behaved our daughter is. Why? BECAUSE WE PARENT OUR CHILDREN. We are a young family, my husband and I are both in our late 20's. So I hate when people always use the excuse, "They're young. They don't know what they are doing." BULL SHIT. They know what they are doing. They know that they are pissing everybody off around here. We were sitting down watching the fireworks one night, and this child just flat out walked away from his family. I started to say something, but then realized how in their own little world the family was. I had my husband watch where the child was going just to make sure he was safe - it took the family TEN minutes to notice the child was gone. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! PARENT YOUR CHILDREN. DISNEYLAND IS NOT A BABYSITTER. BRING ONE IF YOU NEED ONE.

    *end rant*